Anything You Can Grow...

Linda Sharp - Author - Columnist - Media Guest - Event Speaker

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Anything You Can Grow, I Can Grow BIGGER!

Can I confide in you? This is really kind of personal, but it has been bothering me for some time now. I am reminded of it daily, as constant taunting reminders show up uninvited. It is beginning to haunt my dreams, and everyday as my email inbox fills up, my self esteem flows out.

OK - deep breath - here goes: My penis isnít big enough.

Thatís right, My name is Linda and I have a small penis. And as if that isnít enough, my emails have convinced me that my life expectancy is threatened, my libido is libidonít and my pasta is being cooked in the wrong pot! But back to the issue of my penis. . . It isnít long enough, my girth is to be ashamed of, my performance could really stand to be enhanced and . . . whoa. Wait just a minute. I DONíT HAVE A PENIS.


What I do have is an inbox overflowing with the latest garbage being SPAMMED throughout cyberspace. If the aliens came down and used my daily email to report on what is troubling the populus of planet Earth, they would quickly surmise that we are a bunch of overweight, not-long-for-this-world, uneducated, in debt, not well endowed losers. Oh yeah, we are all also in need of mortgage refinancing and we have porn on our computers.

Come on people! Who is actually buying this garbage?

I mean someone out there must be in order for this glut of advertisements to continue. Who out there has ponied up their credit card to purchase Human Growth Hormone (HGH) online? I bet you would be interested to find out that Elmo Lally, not Eli Lilly, is behind your purchase. That your "promise to grow muscle and live longer" is housed in a double wide, not a sky scraper. Oh, and that your credit card balance is much more likely to grow than are your muscles.

I mean itís one thing to buy a book from Amazon, but to buy a supply of generic Viagra from a company called or I am not kidding. Someone out there is placing their trust in a "BunchaJerks". Please tell me what guarantees you your magic bullets wonít be filled with a buncha sugar or buncha cyanide? What was that? The website looked professional? It had pretty colors? Oh well, I feel better then.

Iíll be the first to admit that I do a great deal of shopping online. I enjoy the convenience, the selection, the ability to do it 24 hours a day. But I am buying Barbie dolls, clothing and CDs, not financial advice, international driverís licenses or "the ability to do it 24 hours a day". (Again, NOT kidding.)

Lately, the majority of my spam has dealt directly with making "it" bigger, better, longer, stronger, wider and ahem . . . harder. All in as little as 24 hours. THAT frightens me. Not because I have one, but because of all the people out there who do own one of these contraptions: MEN. Not the most enlightened of folk in the sexual arena to begin with, but when it comes to their packages? I mean a man cannot be bombarded with penile propaganda every time he goes online and not begin to look south and wonder.

I beg of you all: Learn to use your brain. We women do not need it to be a foot long, do not care if you can lift weights with it, and do not want 572% more to come out of it - yes, that was promised in a recent ad. Save your money and take us out to dinner.

I know that SPAM isnít going away anytime soon; Itís the price we pay for the convenience and freedom afforded by the Internet. But surely we can exercise better judgment in what we purchase and . . . oh, youíll have to excuse me. I just received an incredible offer to make my FAT AND WRINKLES DISAPPEAR! Now where did I put my credit card?

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