Everything's Bigger In Texas


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Texas: Is Bigger Always Better?

I live in Texas where everythingís big.

The people of this state take pride in their bigness. Big food, big hats, even big hair. Our State Fair boasts not only the largest Ferris Wheel, but a monumental talking cowboy wearing size 70 boots, and a 75 gallon Stetson. (Iíll leave it to you to do the Math on his inseam.)

Houston once held the title of Nationís Fattest City three years running - thatís big.

We drive big trucks and enjoy wide, open spaces. (I am referring, of course, to the nothingness encountered while driving your big truck from Abilene to El Paso or the space between Ross Perotís satellite dish ears.)

We are home to NASA, The Alamo and the biggest ball of barbed wire - 11 foot, 6 inches. Heck, I even have the honor of living in the city affectionately referred to as Big D.

Yep, we like BIG.

So I guess it should come as no surprise that Texas is currently cranking out the BIGGEST supply of insanely creative murderers this side of Hell.

Other states may have mothers who abuse their children to death, literally, but we have Mothers who claim possession by BIG spirits who urge them into committing BIG murders. Take Andrea Yates of Houston, who methodically drowned each of her five children in the bathtub, calmly called police and then cried BIG insanity. Five children in roughly 15 minutes. Serial killers were even impressed with that time to victim ratio.

Well, not to be outdone, Deana Laney of New Chapel Hill, grabbed BIGGER headlines when she bashed her sonsí heads in with rocks. On Motherís Day weekend no less! Of course, she claims she was only heeding a direct order from The Big Guy - God. And now she has scored a BIG acquittal. Hopefully she will live in a room with BIG padded walls the rest of her life. Perhaps Andrea could use a roommate?

New York may have had the BIG Martha Stewart trial, but a Texas courtroom had crossdresser/murderer Robert Durst. Martha may be able to debone a chicken and feed it to her guests, but old Robert proved he could debone a neighbor, feed him to the fishes, admit he did it, and still walk away a free man. See? Even our miscarriages of justice are BIG.

Every state has a hit and run tale to tell practically daily. But only Texas can lay claim to Chante Mallard, the woman who not only struck homeless man Gregory Biggs, but drove home with him crammed through her windshield. But wait! In an move that should earn her a place in Ripleyís Believe It Or Not, she apologized to the critically wounded man, shut the garage door and then left him there to die. Of course she poked him every couple hours to see if he was done. The crowning touch was dumping his body in a park the next evening. In terms of vehicular homicide thatís a BIG hit and homerun.

And now we have Andre Thomas of Sherman, Texas, accused of killing his children and estranged wife. Oh sure, other states have that scenario, but Andre went for the BIG kill and cut out their hearts. Keep reading, it gets BIGGER and better. Andre then stood in his jail cell, quoted scripture and using only his hand, ripped out his own eyeball. Now thatís a BIG gesture.

So come to Texas. Enjoy our Big Ferris wheel, eat our cardiac arrest inducing steaks and experience our endless big tourist attractions. And donít worry - should you happen to fall victim to a crime while here, weíll make sure itís worthy of a national headline . . .

Tourist Disemboweled By Barbed Wire Ball.

Yep, I live in Texas where everythingís big.

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