The Spin Cycle

Linda Sharp - Author - Columnist - Media Guest - Event Speaker

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The Spin Cycle - Second Guessing The Unwashed Masses

I hate years in which I have to vote for President.  It is not that I take the privilege for granted, it is that I despise the news and campaigning that lead up to it.  The pot shots, the finger pointing, the endless barrage of advertisements telling me why one candidate is worthy of my vote, while his opponent is not worthy to be scraped from the bottom of my shoe. 

To be honest, like so many of my American brethren, by the time I hit the polls, it has come down to who I dislike the least.

The media does not do much to endear the process to my heart either.  The nonstop commentary, review and dissection of every breath taken by the candidates, the constant looking for a new hook that will keep viewers of CNN from entering REM . . .

"And the senator chose wing tipped lace up oxfords this morning, eschewing his normal choice of buckle laden loafers.  Dark days ahead for Democrats?"

"Kerry's wife, seen in this pool photo seems to be dragging something heavy behind her towards the curb . . . pundits speculate it may contain . . .last night's Korean take-out!  Republicans on the hill were quick to point to this as indicative of  the challenger's favorable stand on North Korea's nuclear weapons.  Kerry's camp had no comment other than "Burp."

"And in other news....John Edwards took a dump today after making a speech at a Philadelphia port o' potty manufacturing plant.  Constituents tell us he is a man of the people and that it reinforces  his ‘real people" image."

"George Bush announced today that he prefers the taste of Metamucil to Fiberlax.  Democrats accuse him of being constipated on the issues and attempting to create a "movement" among retired voters."

"While in other news, former first lady Barbara Bush was overheard telling an aide, "I forgot where I put my keys."  Democrats were quick to cite her blatant pandering to the Alzheimers contingent."

"Jenna Bush was again caught inebriated in public.  Sources close to the Kerry campaign are to decide today which child of Kerry's they will place in "rehab" to gain that all important sympathetic parent vote."

"John Edwards first public appearance will take place on the campaign trail this weekend as he makes al fresco love to his wife on the Capitol steps.  Aides hope to drive home the fact that although he shares Clinton's charisma, he only shares his penis with his wife."

"And the Daily Globe is reporting Osama bin Laden is actually in hiding at President Bush's ranch in Crawford Texas - awaiting November 1st, the day Bush will announce him "captured".  In the meantime, sources tell us he wiles away the hours watching Survivor, Big Brother and George's personal collection of SpongeBob Squarepants DVDs."

"John Kerry took a break today to play soccer with a group of 5 year olds.  Afterwards he shared a juice box and some goldfish crackers.  Pundits laud his swaying of the Soccer Mom vote and his shapely legs in soccer shorts and shin guards."

"Pool reporters were allowed to tag along today as President Bush made a beer run in his pick up truck.  Analysts speculate his attempt to influence the redneck Bubbas might have fallen short of the mark had he not remembered to wear his "I Love Elvis" belt buckle and his John Deere cap."

"Kerry's wife was spotted earlier this week purchasing store brand catsup, not Heinz.  Democrats were quick to assert this is indicative of the Kerry's lack of loyalty."

"Vice President Cheney, upon learning John Edwards has been chosen as running mate to Kerry immediately placed a call to the Hair Club For Men."

I interrupt this program for a special news bulletin:  THE VOTERS DON'T CARE. 

That's right, despite all the high priced aides, consultants and field polls, voters don't care if candidates wear sweaters instead of suits, boxers instead of briefs, chew gum, chew their nails, play an instrument, play with themselves, call their mothers every Sunday, fish, jog, golf, surf, ski, sing, dance, poop, pee,  have a cold, are cold, live somewhere cold, swear, laugh, belch, pick their noses, scratch their balls, get their prostates checked yearly, go "down", throw up, own a dog, own a cat, own some kids, ride a motorcycle, ride their wives,  read the Bible, beat the Bible, check their horoscope, check their look in the mirror, wear their sunglasses at night, want their MTV, own an ATV, love their Hummer, love getting a hummer, prefer paper over plastic, ribbed vs. smooth, use wrinkle cream, inject Botox, been through detox, have a fake tan, a farmer's tan, no tan or could inhale as a teen.

Just stop creating news and slinging mud, turn off the spin cycle and give us a candidate, warts and all, who simply tells us the truth. 

Give us that, and I'll give you our next President.  (OK fine.  A nice full head of hair never hurts...)

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